Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
I was sitting ‘round the compound the other day with Jethro just trying to throw tacks into a can when this movie came on the tube. It brought me back to some fond memories but it was kinda sad for Jethro.
Ya see this movie came out the same week that my Aunt Agnes died from consumption, she ate herself to death. Yeah it was pretty tragic, and Jethro and I was only about 16 years old at the time. “Not old enough to vote but old enough to shoot hogs" as my Uncle Tommy used to always say.
Well when it came down to it, Aunt Agnes was too big to be put into any size of coffin we could afford and we didn’t feel right just throwin’ her into a hole in the ground (actually we looked into that but we figured we didn’t want her fat ass contaminating the well water). So we decided to burn her up and put her ashes into a grail that Uncle Tom would keep in order to remember her.
So we cremated her and had a lovely ceremony and all that. You know the kind where the preacher gets up and says some words about the deceased that are too nice by half. Then all the cousins and old farts tell you how sorry they are for your loss because Aunt Agnes always did have such “good taste in curtains.” Well Jethro and I were itchin’ to get out of that ceremony ‘cause this movie had just hit the theaters and everybody likes Indiana Jones.
So we went to the movie and came home to my house and Uncle Tomas was sitting there drunker than a klansman at a cross burning, with the grail on the table picking at a piece of fatback. We figured that he didn’t want to be alone or nothing so my momma said he was going to stay at our house for a while. So we got Uncle Tom to bed and I came back into the kitchen.
Turns out by the time we come back into the kitchen my damn dog Toby had climbed up on the table, knocked over the grail onto Tom’s eats and was halfway through licking ‘em up before my Paw caught him. Well daddy took Toby out back and well… guess I am trying to say that I have missed that dog ever since.
Well this movie was about kinda the same thing. Apparently Jesus was burned at the stake and his ashes were put into a grail & given to a really old ghost named Kris Kringle knight of the 1st crusade.
The rest of the movie was kinda like my story, long and confusing. It turns out that Indiana’s father is James Bond and the reason he has a different name is that his mom wanted him named after their dog or something. The movie has gun fights, a couple of tanks, planes, some Nazis, and a really big book burning. If you don’t like reading you will probably like it. It had one really hot chick in it named Elsa who shows up in other videos as Elsa she-wolf of the SS. She was really hot but it turns out that both Indy and his father both sleep with her… and that is only ok if you are in Mississippi.
Overall I think the movie was ok and it was really educational. It taught me a lot about the Bible and WWII. From that stand point I think it is worth watching… just make sure you have a case of beers for when everything gets slow.
So for having one hot chick and one hell of a guy in Indiana (I like there part where he threw the guy off the blimp) I think the movie is ok. They do have a guy get his face melted off but I always felt the movie was kind of like going out with a tease. You always think you are going to get her clothes off but you always end up being let down and then you have to do a funny walk in front of people because you are trying to keep them from seeing your woody.
2 severed heads and bathtub of blood would have made this a better film. As it was it felt like a Saturday afternoon being washed down the drain.
Brief Review:
2 severed heads and bathtub of blood would have made this a better film. As it was it felt like a Saturday afternoon being washed down the drain.