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The Displaced Russian
Note: All dialogue was transcribed from government issued recorders
Gunner Turneytov and I are having happy American holiday seasons. In our own time, we heard stories of old ways of Russian Christmas- gathering around “Christmas tree” and exchanging gifts put under tree from Saint Nicholas. To our amazement though, American winter holiday is exactly same, except gifts are planted by what is rumored to be large but stealthy man named Tsanta Klaws.
Gunner Turneytov and I began to investigate master infiltrator Tsanta for our files and we find many strange thing about this fat man. For one, it is American children that know most about him while adults deny his existence, bringing to light strange and widespread indoctrination program operating under Tsanta. Also, Tsanta has nearly limitless launch capability in northern hemisphere because he has headquarters at North Pole. Should Tsanta have change of heart and want to send something other than gift, both Soviets and Americans are in equal threat range. It is rumored he has flight ability consisting of magic elk and sleigh, but Turneytov and I agree this disguise of true futuristic technology must be some crucial part of Tsanta brainwashing program. Finally, we bribe child to show us photo of Tsanta. My gunner and I both shook head and agreed whatever organization he belongs to has excellent taste in winter service overcoats, though I personally would like gold trim instead of white.
We then attempted to formulate theory that would reconcile what we know about this Tsanta with what we fondly remembered of our New Year’s yolka tree, and Ded Moroz- our own dear Grandfather Frost. We eventually theorize that upon entering Soviet airspace, Tsanta would disguise himself as Grandfather Frost and land at Kremlin where his payload of gifts, instead of being haphazardly scattered in houses through invasion, would be properly allocated by our government according to how closely each family adhered to Soviet yolka decorating specifications and requirements.
After light interrogation tactics, another American child gave up Tsanta’s current position. Apparently he has embassy where children go to register for gift requisitions in large marketplace called The Mahl. Turneytov insisted that we dig up T72 and use it as transport to The Mahl, for our intelligence had only revealed Tsanta to be mysterious and thus unpredictable. The Nuclear Chicken instead offered us ride in his “Honda” car.
While traveling to The Mahl we asked The Nuclear Chicken what he knew of Tsanta. Curling his beak back into sneer, he told us little more than long ago, Tsanta had double-crossed him by not bringing him his end of bargain. Turneytov and I then knew Tsanta must be dangerous indeed to double cross The Nuclear Chicken. Turneytov suggested in secret we discover further details of this deal, which will be contained in later report.
At last we arrive at The Mahl, which was swarming with exhausted looking adults carrying screaming parasitic children. This horrid cacophony deeply disturbed poor Turneytov, who showed great bravery while we traveled through this capitalist beast’s belly. When we finally discover snowy mound onto which hoards of crying children were being herded by what must have been Tsanta’s petty officers dressed in bells, I spotted bearded massive mystery himself, seated upon great gold throne atop his white mountain. Turneytov spat at ground, declaring Tsanta Kalws to be “nothing more than Czarist scum.” I was apprehensive at this sight as well, but unbuckling my sidearm hidden within my overcoat helped to fight back fear as we stood in line, waiting to get closer look at this possible Czarist conspirator.
One of his underlings approached, “aren’t you guys a little old to sit in Tsanta’s lap?”
Turneytov was quick to anger, “And you are too young to be monarchist!”
I put up my arm between Turneytov and young Tsantist officer, “excuse him. He is weary of shop.” This petty officer looked more confused. I continued in disguise, with big smile, “Not to worry, we are but American shoppers wishing audience with Tsanta Klaws. We have much we want that only he can give.”
Another larger petty officer stepped up, “are these guys giving you trouble, Ron?”
Officer Ron shook his head slowly with raised eyebrow, “No…I don’t…think so.” Without having to show them any identification they foolishly let us pass on in line.
When final child in front of us got off of Tsanta’s knee, we walked up to this perfect example of fattening capitalist excess and stood to either side of him. “Ho Ho Ho, merry Christmas fellas! Err…”He flashed a look to one of his subordinates, “I’d ask you to sit but Tsanta’s getting old.”
Turneytov’s eyes narrowed, “we are not here to sit on your knee, red ogre.”
Before Tsanta could respond I leaned in very close to his face, “Tell us now or there will be consequences. Are you and Grandfather Frost one?”
I smiled as I saw Tsanta Klaw’s eyes grow wide. He could do nothing but stutter, “wh…wh…listen fellas, I er…”
Turneytov suddenly tore off Tsanta’s beard, “самозванец!”
Imposter Tsanta’s personal guard was no match for Soviet soldiers. There was not even need to brandish our Tokarevs. In same moment they attacked, decoy Tsanta’s bodyguard force’s bells jingled no more as half lay in heap under Turneytov’s boot, other half under my own.
Whistles blowing indicated more were coming. Imposter Tsanta still clung to his throne in fear. Again I leaned into his fat face, “Stalin wouldn’t let you get to us would he? Stay out of our homes, Czarist pig!”
Turneytov threw fake beard to floor and stomped upon it, “Tell your master we’ll find him soon enough!”
The Nuclear Chicken had waited in Honda car. We escaped The Mahl and speedily drove back to our flat where we enjoyed eggnog and vodka. Though we fail to know true nature of Tsanta Klaws we know from meeting one of his decoys for sure what he fears most- assassination.
Word of the Day:
Bolshevik
Bolsheviks ("Большеви́к", derived from the Russian word bol'shinstvo, "majority") were members of the Marxist Russian Social-Democratic Labour Party's Bolshevik faction. Bolsheviks had an extreme socialist and internationalist outlook, and were opponents of the Russian traditional statehood and the Russian Orthodox Church. The other faction of the RSDLP was known as the Mensheviks, derived from the word men'shinstvo ("minority"). The split into two factions occurred at the Second Party Congress in 1903. After the split, the Bolshevik party was designated as RSDLP(b) (Russian: РСДРП(б)), where "b" stands for "Bolsheviks".